It's me! Mario!

    I was born in a magical place that is populated by toad people, crazy fire breathing plants, princesses, koopas, and Italian Americans. I am Italian American. It's pretty good, but there are only so many jobs for Italian Americans in the Mushroom Kingdom, and unfortunately all of those jobs are plumbing.

    I do an okay job running the Mario Brothers Plumbing business with my stupid brother Luigi. Sometimes we go on adventures to rescue the princess Peach because she is so often getting kidnapped by Bowser! The nerve of that guy! Our adventures are much fun because I usually don't even let Luigi play. He just hangs back and waits his turn that will never come because I am the best!

UH OH! My little mushroom headed toad friend is on his way! This either means Peach has been captured by the Bowser again, or the royal toilet has been clogged up by her royal highness and her royal tampons again.

    - She's been kidnapped!

    - She's clogged the toilet!